There are two judges in my life: my parent’s and myself. And she used to be strict — not anymore. She doesn’t care anymore — maybe perphaps she gave up on me? Or maybe I’m just putting words in her mouth. Either way; I’m not making them proud — At least, I don’t think so. If I was her, I wouldn’t be proud of myself. Looking at myself from an outsider’s perspective, I’m average — nothing to be impressed about. Nothing to give another second’s though about. I’m no one to be proud about And speaking of which, I come to the second part of my post: I feel like I might be my biggest critic — because I know, I’m too harsh on myself. And I should understand that I tried my best — and this is the best, possible outcome - but I keep on looking at my faults, and pessimissm gets the best of me and I believe that my best really is mediocre. it’s laughable.

Why am I so insistent on trying to please? Shouldn’t I be happy, at my accomplishments? I tried my best; that’s all I can give. But I feel…gulity; I guess. Guilty for giving them a no-good; undesirable; child. You can’t brag about me to your collegues — I’m not the best. And I apologize. I really do.

LOLOLOLO I remember when we were in 7th grade and this girl brought this romance comic book to school. She lended it to me, and I got hooked on it and then this other girl got hooked on it and then another two guys. LOLOLO it was all five of us. And we’d talk about what happened in the book in discussion, and whenever we had time - we’d read it. It was fun lmfao, then because we were sooo into the first book we had to buy all the books in the series. At the end we read the whole series, some liked the ending but I sure as hell didn’t. Omg I remember how I hated that the girl didn’t end up with the underdog. :)

People always tell me that my highschool years are going to be the best years of my life and although, yes they were fun and happy, is this really the best it gets?

can someone answer this for me?

I was just listening to this old song that I subconsciously memorized when I was a youngster, and I just find it amazing how all the feelings of when I was younger with that ssong flooded back into my mind. I started smiling with giddy. So strange. I just felt so happy. I could sorta remember how I would stay up at 3 am so I could watch the show on adultswim, and finally when it ended they’d play an assortment of songs as the ending songs — and I would feel sad because the show ended, and now I’d have to wait another week to watch it. And so when I hear the song, I sorta re-enter me sitting in my living room watching the show with excitement as the show’s lights flooded in the darkness of my walls. Then I get sad because of the feelings that are associated with the song. It gets me a bit sad, but then I get happy — combination of both. Weird. Just wanted to make a post on it. The human mind is so strange.

Yesterday you did it again — it was something I forgot you always do. I even remember torturing myself and thinking that it my fault that you were so sad and live by yourself. But that was because I forgot, had forgotten the type of a person you really were and still are. You were so nice to me, you acted like a true REHTAF to me. But I was mistaken, probably because your act lasted for 2 and half years. I always thought, “how could this type of good person deserve such a fate?” it’s my fault your sad. Your an amazing actor, I believed in your mask, and blamed myself for your misfortune. But then I realized that you were in this place and predicament because of your own actions. Not mines.

…I remembered who you really are; I remembered. and I won’t let myself fall back into blaming myself again. No, your actions are not justiable — no matter who did what, what she did, what I did — but I also understand that you’ll never understand.

It’s just a shame that I put myself through it all…because I had forgotten, because I hid my memories in a vault, in a safe in my mind. I have yet to find the combination to open it though…I’m not sure if I can open it again. Natasha’s memory vault is always open, and she cries every night because of it. Because of you. And it’s all because of your actions that you still attempt to justify.

I just pray that I never remember the combination to open the safe…yesterday, I was close to opening it, I only had one more digit. But I poured distraction after distraction over the safe. It’s buried again. I don’t want to clear the space, I want it to pile up with happy thoughts and feelings and memories. I don’t want to remember anymore.

well i dont know who this is

or where you’re from

but i know that you go to my school

and you have no idea how to log out.

i’ve never done something like this before…hacking someone elses page, but i think tumblr is pretty open minded. i hope you’re not mad

the last few posts are some things that i myself enjoy…

hope you have a great life love xoxo love your tumblr

sincerely,

stranger